Navigating the Waters of the Diversity Ocean

Today we have to be extra cautious when diving into the deep waters of the diversity ocean. In earlier years we did not have to worry about getting “canceled” or the “woke police”, because everyone thought things were easier and finite… male, female, black, white, other. But in reality, the people pushed to the margins—the gender and sexual diversity community, the People of Color, the differently-abled, the socioeconomically disadvantaged, the marginalized—were always there. The sad fact is no one paid attention to them. The marginalization of people considered “other” is a deep scar we all share and it is a result of centuries of systemic inequities put in place by the dominant majority in power. Systemic racism, sexism, homophobia, xenophobia, and practices designed to ensure the oppression of others have caused us all to have a skewed and unfair perspective on not only our sisters, brothers, and siblings, but also on ourselves.

We are all part of one race, the human race, a single family composed of billions of people.

Let's consider all people as single drops of water; each drop is a microcosm of diverse dimensions ultimately encapsulating each of our personal identities. Each drop combined creates creeks, rivers, and oceans all of which are connected. We are made up of the same basic chemistry but we all possess unique compositions that make us who we are. We have been set up to believe certain dimensions of diversity have a specific value and that is how we determine a person's place in society. This practice, of course, is manmade and flawed at an atomic level.

The hierarchy of our value system has been decided by unfair laws and traditions, and as a direct result, we have become ensnared in a cycle of biased and bigoted behaviors. Instead of questioning these behaviors and actions many of us become defensive and rigid in our methods of navigating these waters. We no longer see our siblings as people but as objects or obstacles.

As the people who were forced to the margins begin to fight their way back in, the instinct is to push back and defend ourselves and “our territory”. This behavior is not only wrong, it is devastating to our path back to reconnection and a return to our humanity. We cannot heal our divides without evolving and educating ourselves on what led to these divides in the first place. Bringing people back in from the margins and making space for everyone begins with a single interaction, a single moment where we choose grace above all else. Then another single moment. And another. We must continue to make space and dismantle the practices and obstacles put in place to divide us.

Many consider this “allyship”, a badge one slaps on their chest as a way of declaring “I’m not racist/sexist/homophobic/xenophobic/transphobic/etc...” Allyship is not a name you give yourself. In fact, it’s not a name at all but a practice. Allyship requires constant conscious growth and movement and is never a fixed “reward” for something. People who claim allyship are ironically claiming the opposite, true allyship does not require a pat on the back or a gold star. You are considered an ally by those who need active allyship—the marginalized. If we aspire to become allies we must be willing to make mistakes, to fail and admit it, to grow, to educate ourselves, and to do better. We must engage in the difficult conversations and learn how to do better from the people whom our actions affect.

If we can use these moments as an opportunity for grace and education instead of seeing the moments as an attack, then we can begin to heal our fractured society. Choose grace, always. Educate yourself on the multifaceted world of what makes us all diverse and uniquely beautiful. Make space to bring our siblings back in from the margins and reconnect our family.

Leading Like A Woman

She couldn’t figure it out.

The woman sitting in front of me had been appointed to lead her company following the retirement of her predecessor. After a year of using the same techniques she had watched and experienced him successfully use for decades she found herself in the middle of a disaster: her employees were alienated, her direct reports resentful, and the company in disarray.

As a last ditch effort, she was sent to me in hopes that my coaching could figure out why - and fix it.

“I wasn’t hired to be their babysitter, or hold their hands, or listen to their sob stories about why they can’t do what they’re supposed to do and how they’re supposed to do it,” I remember her venting in exasperation.

She felt like she was doing what was best, which was expecting them to do their jobs and holding them to a high standard.

The issue quickly became apparent to me - she had lost her connection to her intuitive Wisdom and capacity for discernment.

In her attempts to follow the success of the man who had led before her, she had taken “following in his footsteps” a little too literally, and it was costing her in every area of her life.

In rejecting her feminine energy in favor of the masculine qualities she had always seen in leadership positions around her, everyone around her had started to look like nails to her hammer.

Though her employees were accustomed to the brusque, definitive way that their former leader had moved through the world, when their new CEO had taken over, they were looking forward to some of their stereotypical ideas of what being led by a woman would look like. They were actually excited to have someone who might be more approachable.

But when she took over, she wasted no time shooting down all possibilities of a new and brighter day. It was as if she took one-upping her past leaders as a personal challenge - “if you thought he was tough, wait ‘til you see what tough really looks like.”

Her attitude going into this role was especially surprising because she had worked under that man herself. The problem was she refused to consciously acknowledge her feelings about how she was treated. She never allowed herself to own, accept, and heal from how she had been treated. As a result, she projected this harsh way of being onto her employees.

We discussed what her concept of leadership was and what she wanted to embody as a leader - the words that came to mind? Strong, fearless, bad-ass no-nonsense.

All things we tend to assign to the masculine, but not words we would typically assign to the feminine.

The fact was, she had never seen a woman lead before, and the role models she had to look to were suited by nature for different methods for success. She needed to find what worked for her - she needed to learn how to lead as a woman.

I asked her to think about what a leader for her team would look like if she were free to lead as a woman. She actually started doing that work. She began to look at her direct reports one at a time, thinking about how she could bring out the best in each of them, as individuals.

She learned that success came from a mix of masculine and femininity energies. These energies exist in all of us and both are needed for forward-thinking, productive leadership. She discovered that when she was leading by the feminine by being more approachable and being willing to listen - to issues, concerns, perspectives - she learned how to discern what was urgent. She learned the importance of granting patience and leniency, and the value of not treating every situation with cookie cutter rules.

And with that realization put into practice, her work was suddenly no longer the struggle that it had been since seemingly the day she took over.

Most importantly, embracing these feminine qualities didn’t make her weak or label her as an ineffective boss; instead it elevated her as a truly good human who could lead well.

This is a problem facing women everywhere. We are rarely allowed the authenticity of who we truly are to shine through in spaces historically occupied by men.

We try to follow the examples set by men, and we are penalized for it. The language used tells a whole story - a man gets to be strong; a woman acting the same way is a bitch. Men are labeled strategic; women, calculating.

Women leading like men is not going to bend the moral arc toward justice. In fact, I fear it is more likely to cause more destruction - the male-dominated way of being is what has gotten us here, a society where the moral advancements aren’t keeping up with our technological ones.

The world will be a much better place when both men and women can stand in their authenticity, stand in both their masculine and feminine and come to a place where they can lead with love.

And I believe that this will change the world. The empowerment of women to lead and act as women will create a tsunami of benevolent, fair, and just leaders.

Look to next week’s post for tips and insight into how to channel your feminine energy - without erasing the masculine - to become the authentic and effective leader you are meant to be.

Bending the Moral Arc

(originally posted on 6/25)

I’m happy Derek Chauvin is going to jail. I’m happy he was found guilty. I’m happy for this piece of justice.

I needed to start with what I’m happy for because I don’t want to forget the victories, no matter how small. I don’t want to get lost in negativity.

But still there is so much more that I’m unhappy for.

I’m not happy that while Derek Chauvin will be going to jail for 22.5 years for murdering a man by sitting on his neck for 9 minutes, more people than we can count have spent, are spending, and will spend the same number of years and even more behind bars for petty drug crimes, people who are predominantly black and male. Just like Chauvin’s victim. Just like George Floyd.

I’m not happy that crack and powder cocaine are chemically the same, but because the former is associated with black and underprivileged users, it carries a sentence 18 times more severe than the latter, which is generally considered a privileged white person’s drug. I’m not happy that this is just one of countless examples of judicial injustice I could have chosen from.

I’m not happy that George Floyd is a name lost in the flood of names made famous for being victims of police brutality, yet this is the first time our legal system tells us it matters.

I’m not happy that it took video of a man suffocating for 9 minutes on a city street crying for his mother begging not to die for anyone to be punished. For a black man’s death at the hands of police to be considered murder in the eyes of the law.

I’m happy with yesterday’s sentencing in the same way I’m happy Juneteenth is now a national holiday, in the same way I’m happy the sentencing for crack vs powder cocaine is now “only” 18-1 - as opposed to the 100-1 disparity that existed barely a decade ago: I prefer it to the alternative, but ultimately it rings hollow, a weak gesture meant to placate and silence, grounds to dismiss claims of injustice, invisibility, and unequal treatment. A weak gesture meant to indicate racial healing while offering what ultimately amounts to nothing in terms of reparations and respect for black life.

I want to celebrate yesterday as a sign of progress, but I fear reality, the truth of how far from the goal we still are, getting lost in the cheer.

I want to view Derek Chauvin going to jail for murdering George Floyd as promise that we’re on the right track, but when I look up, when I remember the big picture, I can’t help but see it as a reminder of how far we have left to go.